What’s Your Gift Giving Policy?

credit: freedigitalphotos.net by Master Isolated Images

credit: freedigitalphotos.net by Master Isolated Images

When I was at the stage in my life where all my friends were getting married, the inevitable dilemma that came up was, “How much do I give?” Now that I’ve advanced to the next stage where most of my friends are married, I figured I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I’m now in the stage where my friends are having babies. Getting gifts for babies/kids should be relatively easy. I can get them a toy or if the parents gave the option, contribute to the child’s college savings plan. But then a crazy thing happened. Kids’ birthday parties started to become an extravagant affair. I’ve been to a birthday party at the Sheraton (yes the Sheraton), where they not only had face-painting, a magician, and people dressed up as cartoon characters, but there was a DJ and a photographer (although the photographer may have been a friend). I will be attending a one-year old birthday party in a few weeks at a venue which I have been to before…FOR A WEDDING! Yes, the party will be at a catering hall where people throw lavish weddings. So once again, I’m starting to debate the question: How much do I give? Here are a few approaches that I’ve used or heard about:

Pay for Your Plate

What does this mean? You should ask the person hosting the party or contact the venue to calculate how much your plate costs. No, no, just kidding, don’t do that! The basic theory is that if you attend a wedding, or in my case, a birthday party at a more extravagant or expensive venue, you give more to “cover” your meal there. I don’t really like this rule, because why should I shell out the costs for your extravagant party. The party surely could have been held at a more affordable location. Right or wrong, I do feel a little more pressure to give a nicer gift when a party is held at a fancier venue. When I went to a wedding at a castle, I felt more of a social obligation to give a better gift compared to when I went to a wedding held at someone’s backyard.

Here’s an interesting story about a wedding gift spat where the newlyweds received a basket filled with snacks and candy. This is what the bride said in an e-mail to the guest regarding the gift:

‘I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding … people give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate . … and got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return. Just a heads-up for the future.’

Click here to read more about the story. The bride’s reaction is way out of line, but please don’t bring a basket filled with fluffy whip and sour patch kids as your gift at a wedding.

Reciprocity

After my wedding, my mom asked me to tally up the gifts that were given to me by our relatives. She wanted to know how much they gave so she could use it as future reference to give at the future weddings of those relatives’ children. A part of me sees validity in this approach, though it’s not always possible. When someone was generous in their gift at my wedding, I did feel somewhat obligated to return the favor and given them an equal value in their gift. Of course, other circumstances are taken into account. I mean sometimes people are very generous because they are well off and can afford to be generous. While I greatly appreciate that generosity, I may not be able to afford to return the generosity.

How Close Are We?

With this approach, you’ll give more to someone you are closer to. You’ll give more when you’re the maid of honor at the wedding of your best friend, versus a wedding of a second cousin twice removed where you’re sitting at the back. A friend once asked me how much he should give at a wedding where he was invited to as a “back-up” wedding guest. He felt that he had less of an obligation to give a nice gift since he was not on the original guest list.

Michael Scott on Gift Giving

How Much Can You Afford?

Everyone has different financial circumstances. You should just give what you are comfortable giving. For the most part, I think when you’re invited to an event, whether it’s a birthday or wedding, the person inviting you wants to share the joyous occasion with you. Even if you cannot afford a nice gift or a gift at all, your presence is what should be truly valued.

Gifts With No Strings Attached

A friend of mine once told me that when she gives a gift, she does so without any expectation of anything. She says that she would not feel bad if that person never reciprocated. The word “gift” is defined as “something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.” I’m probably overcomplicating gift giving. It should not be that complicated, right? My friend might be a bigger person than me though. I have no problem with giving gifts to others, and I honestly think that there isn’t any expectation. But, I’m not going to lie. I did feel a bit slighted when I received no wedding gift from someone who I gave a nice gift to (as we are close). And, yes, that person is in good financial shape. Yes, I can be a petty person sometimes. My wife will attest to that fact. I know that gift giving etiquette, especially wedding gifts seem to differ in different regions of the country as well as different cultures. So what’s your gift giving policy? What should I give at the fancy birthday party?

47 thoughts on “What’s Your Gift Giving Policy?

  1. Done by Forty

    I really have no idea about gift etiquette, and just give whatever feels like the right thing. For our neighbor’s kid’s birthday, we gave them a book to read to the kid. Maybe that’s rude but, you know, whatever. I am no mind reader and there’s no accounting for taste.
    Done by Forty recently posted…Sex Sells…Health InsuranceMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yea, I have no idea about proper gifting etiquette either.

  2. Shannon @ Financially Blonde

    It’s interesting that you are posting this question and asking about etiquette that is typically reserved for weddings, and yet your dilemma is over a one year old’s birthday party. I have seen the same thing with the grandiose parties for children, and it literally makes me ill. Rather than spend the money parents spend on birthdays they should save for their child’s college education or their own retirement. That being said, for a wedding, I am split down the line with “what you can afford” and “pay for your plate.” If you are really not close to the person and you can’t afford a gift, it’s best to not go because that person is paying for you to be there. In the case of a one year old’s birthday, just because the parents opted to go “crazy” I would not feel obligated to go crazy on my gift giving. For first birthdays I like to give savings bonds. You can get them online or at any bank and they appreciate with time, so by the time the kid is ready for college, it’s like beer money or something.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yes, I know…it’s kind of crazy that people are going so over the top. I agree that if you aren’t that close, it’s probably better just not to go, but if you are close and can’t afford it…I’m pretty sure the person inviting you will be understanding. My friend who will be throwing a 1 year old b-day party is thinking about asking contributions to a 529 plan in lieu of gifts.

  3. E.M.

    One of my old coworkers spent something like $3k on his child’s one year birthday party. He even said he had no regrets and would do it again. I just can’t fathom spending that much on any birthday party! Gift giving is complicated sometimes. I’ve mostly given what I can afford, as I’m still in debt. I haven’t had any big events in my life yet, though, so I guess I didn’t feel the pressure of reciprocity. I know a lot of my family members go off of how much relatives spend on them. My grandma felt very slighted that she gave my cousins Christmas gifts, and they never got her anything in return, even for her birthday. Then again, we don’t see them on a regular basis. It’s tricky!
    E.M. recently posted…My Ideal ApartmentMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I don’t want to be a hypocrite, but I might have to throw a one year birthday party too. I would like to throw it in our apartment but it is way too small. The most guests we had were like 2 other couples. We’ll see. For my wife’s baby shower, we were able to rent out a common room of a condo owned by my uncle, but I don’t want to have to bother him again. Don’t know why it’s so tricky, but it is!

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I’ve given $200 or more at weddings. $50 for graduation gift sounds fine…I guess there’s inflation cause the amount of the gift keeps rising.

  4. DC @ Young Adult Money

    I wouldn’t give any more than $15 or $20 towards a kid’s birthday party. The parents (hopefully) would just be happy to have you there, and any gifts are a bonus. At least that’s the way I approach gifts. Heck, $15 or $20 would only be for the kids we are closest to, like our best friend’s kids.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      That’s what I did for the other parties, held at someone’s house. But for some reason I feel more obligated to give more since it’s at an expensive place.

  5. Emily @ evolvingPF

    So far we have only given wedding and baby shower presents – we haven’t yet been invited to any kids’ birthday parties, thank goodness! We give what we can/with no strings. We always give the same amount – $80 for a wedding present and $40 for a baby shower – never try to cover our plate or judge the closeness of the relationship. When we get real jobs we’ll up our giving amount.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Definitely very understandable since you guys are grad students. And yes, before I had a kid…I really didn’t want to be invited to their birthday parties…well unless it was a close friend/relative.

  6. Raquel@Practical Cents

    I agree, I feel so many of these events are getting out of hand. I was recently invited to a destination baby shower. I thought that was only for weddings? Oh well, I declined and will send a $50 gift card instead. My nephew is getting married soon. I couldn’t attend the bridal shower so I sent a $50 gift card. For the wedding I will give $200 . That’s usually my standard if both my husband and I attend a wedding. But 2 years ago I attended my cousin’s wedding solo and only gave $100. I never even received a thank you card when my other family members all received one. No biggie as I really didn’t care to receive one but I thought it was interesting. Who knows maybe they thought my gift was too low or they just forgot. I would give max $50 for a kids birthday party.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      WHAT! Destination baby shower…well now I’ve heard it all! I’ve heard of a Babymoon but never traveling somewhere else to throw a baby shower. Here in the northeast, I think $200 is about the standard for a couple which is what I generally go by. And $100 if I go solo. That’s pretty rude that you didn’t receive a thank you card for that gift…hopefully it was just an oversight. I didn’t send a thank you card to those who gave no gift at all. My wife thinks we should have thanked them for being there. I don’t know about that. I sent a thank you card to those who gave a small gift (bathroom accessories) and I was absolutely fine with that gift as that was what they could afford. Even a card would be acceptable to me if they couldn’t give a gift. Well…that’s just me. Like I said, I can be petty.

  7. Ryan @ Impersonal Finance

    I usually give a gift that ranges anywhere from $50-$100, but honestly I’m still at the point where I’m doing much better than a lot of my friends financially, and since I do believe in reciprocity, I wouldn’t want to give them anything they would feel awkward receiving because of the expense. But thankfully a lot of us have developed an unspoken no gifts rule (except for maybe a drink out) for most occasions outside of weddings and births.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yea, I like the unspoken no gifts rule for most occasions. It’s a lot less stressful that way.

  8. Tonya@Budget and the Beach

    For birthday parties I just stick to something like a decent bottle of wine. A good majority of my friends have bday parties at restaurants, so mostly for that I just chip in with paying for their dinner. Sometimes I treat a close friend to a dinner or a movie. Weddings are the worst. Nothing is cheap and I swear half of what the bride and groom want is just “stuff.” Babies are easy. It’s usually inexpensive and cute.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      That sounds like what I do for friend’s birthdays…most times we the person who’s birthday it is insists on paying. It’s fine. We’re all adults…no need for gifts.

  9. Kendal @HassleFreeSaver

    I agree that giving gifts has become increasingly complicated. Lately, my husband and I have stopped exchanging gifts because it feels like a forced activity, and not in the true spirit of “gifting” as you defined it in your post. My policy at this point is not to go above-and-beyond in the gift-giving department. A simple item, subscription or gift card is typically appreciated. I even re-gifted a stuffed animal my husband gave me a few years ago to a one-year-old’s birthday. He’s one — does he really care at this point?
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      My wife and I don’t really give each other lavish gifts…maybe something small as a token of our love. And sometimes we’ll just go out for dinner or go to an event/show together. We really don’t need more stuff! And yes absolutely agree…a one year old…do they really care what they get!!

  10. EL @ Moneywatch101

    I understand that you do not want to receive an email like the bride sent above, but it is not your obligation to give extravagantly because the host of the party wants to keep up with the joneses. For a wedding the standard is 100-125 per person attending. For birthdays I would not go over $50 per adult attending. Hope this helps.
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  11. Debt Hater

    Oh wow, that wedding story is absolutely ridiculous! I can’t believe someone would actually do that after someone took the time to give a gift. Obviously if you attend a wedding you should probably give a bit more, but I can’t believe the behavior of the bride and friends and family openly mocking a gift.

    I have definitely heard of the “pay for your plate” thing though, and I stuck to that at the past two weddings I went to. I don’t think anyone complained about my gifts because I would hope that there is some understanding that I am young and have student loans!
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Haha, yea I couldn’t believe that story. No class. I definitely think there’s an understanding towards someone who is young and has student loans. I was fine with a small gift from someone at our wedding who was in student loan debt and just started working. It’s the thought that counts in that situation.

  12. Mr. Utopia

    My gift giving policy: let my wife handle all of that !

    I’m kidding (sort of).

    We’ve fortunately never been put in that awkward position of a super fancy wedding/baby shower or kid’s birthday party (which I think is ridiculous, by the way). But I am very much a “by the definition” gift giver. “Something given voluntarily without payment in return” is the way it’s supposed to be even though in reality it gets all twisted around. We generally keep our gift giving spending within reason and, in doing so, aren’t usually tempted to play the comparison game.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Oh yes, it is absolutely ridiculous! Unfortunately gift giving has been twisted around and it is more complicated than it should be.

  13. Kristin Wong

    Wow! Those babies are having more lavish parties than I ever will.

    I kind of fly by the seat of my pants, too. But I totally know what you mean about feeling obligated to spend more depending on the location. I like the “give without expecting anything in return” thing. I think it goes both ways–invite people to your wedding, not for the gifts, but because you genuinely want to celebrate your union in front of them.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Haha, I know right! I’m all for inviting people not for gifts but for them to be there to celebrate with you. But I’d still feel slighted if they gave NOTHING. Just seems like some kind of gift is warranted.

  14. Stefanie @ thebrokeandbeautifullife

    I hate the cost of the plate equivalent philosophy. Like you said, it wasn’t my choice to have an expensive wedding so why should I have to pay for your choices. The worst part is, if I opted out because I couldn’t afford it, they’d still be offended. I’m in the thick of friends’ weddings. And because I’m part of such a huge, tightly knit cultural community, there’s no end in sight.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Wow that’s tough…you can’t win. I remember you mentioning the pros and cons of being a part of a tight knit cultural community. There seems to be a lot of people…and probably a lot of events. How do you keep up?

  15. anna

    I never understood or liked the pay for your plate strategy, because the guests shouldn’t feel obligated to spend as much money on a gift if the bride/groom decides to throw a super lavish wedding? I’m more on the lines of how close are we/ what can I afford category. If it’s family or super close friends, I tend to spend more, and I also tend to spend more if I know both the bride and groom. I usually go with $80-200 for weddings and $40-50 for showers/ birthday parties.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I used to go by the pay your plate philosophy or try to, but seriously…why should I pay for bride/groom’s decision to spend that much. It seems the how close we are/afford category works…though I do feel pressure to reciprocate a gift.

  16. Shannon @ The Heavy Purse

    This is always a tough one. Ultimately, I believe gifts are meant to be gifts, not obligations. I would never want anyone to go into debt buying me a wedding present (and hopefully no one did since it was 20+ years ago!) or buying my daughters a gift for their birthday party. On the other hand, I do know people who feel quite differently. I remember reading that story you shared about the lady who was offended about the gift basket she received for her wedding gift. She may have thought it was tacky, which is her right, but her response was doubly tacky! My general philosophy is a mix of what we can afford and our relationship to the person. My assumption is whoever throws an extravagant wedding, baby shower or birthday party did so at their choice. I would not expect my guests to cover their plates. I made the choice to have an extravagant party and obviously wanted you there. There is no price of admission in my mind. And it honestly makes me sad if people are planning their events with the idea that I spent $150 on your dinner plate, so I minimally expect a $200 gift from you.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I like your philosophy: a mix of what we can afford and our relationship. You’re right that when someone throws a lavish party, it is their choice. The “price of admission”…I should have named one gift method as that because that’s the philosophy I know people use and they call the gift as the price of admission. I don’t really like that mindset though.

  17. Addison @ Cashville Skyline

    I’m more than oblivious when it comes to “gift giving etiquette.” I try to give something thoughtful and useful, or just give cash. Usually it’s $50-100 for a wedding. I opt for something useful and unique at a baby shower, even it isn’t as cute as a dress or shoes that the baby will grow out of in a few months. I recently gave a gift certificate to a cloth diapering service (per the mother’s request) and there wasn’t really anything to open in front of the group, but I know they appreciated it.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      That’s cool that you got the gift certificate since that’s what the mother wanted. Sometimes I’d prefer to know what the person wants…it would be much easier.

  18. Tom @ Finance and Flip Flops

    As I will be getting married in a couple months and am in another wedding a month later, I actually have a lot of opinions on this matter but I’ll try to keep my thoughts as short as possible.

    Because we are from two different areas of the country and we thought neither area really suited us as a couple, we decided on a destination wedding. We have decided against gifts all together. We have a small registry on amazon that we can send to people if they ask (some people feel bad that they aren’t coming and we went to their wedding/gave them a gift). But ultimately we understand that people are spending a lot of money on flights and hotels, so through word of mouth we’re trying to spread the idea that a gift is certainly not necessary.

    For my friend’s wedding though, I definitely feel obligated to get a gift because for him and his fiance it will be a local wedding. I think that even though we have to pay for our flights to get there (~$800), hotel (~$250), car rental (~$100) and tux rental for me being in the wedding (~$200) we would be looked at as cheap if we didn’t give a gift. Not to mention having to take 2.5 days off from work. We’ve sort of just accepted this as one of the negatives to living abroad.

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Congrats to you and the future bride. I think a destination wedding often is a good idea. I’m pretty sure the people who make it out to the wedding will be those who are close friends and family members. It’s probably a good idea to not have gifts since the guests will be paying for the trip. As for your friend’s wedding, I had guests who traveled to make it to my wedding and I was okay if they didn’t really give a gift or a smaller gift. I mean they did have to pay for a flight, hotel, etc to make it to the wedding so it’s very understandable. I went to a friend’s wedding out-of-state, but fortunately I was able to use credit card points/miles to score a free flight and got a great deal on the hotel.

  19. Zee

    My gift giving policy for weddings has to do with how close I am to whomever is getting married and how much I spend just attending their wedding.

    I had a friend get married in Ecuador and it costed over $1300 just to attend. He was a really good friend, but if I already broke the bank just to attend, he didn’t get the greatest gift…. It might have been different if I were able to use that trip as a vacation but the circumstances didn’t really allow for that, and I had already been down to Ecuador once to visit him when he first moved down there.

    Friends that throw local weddings where I don’t have to spend a lot to get there. Well then I feel like I am more willing to get something nicer for them off of their registry.

    I can’t believe someone would talk poorly about receiving any gift though. That’s just absurd.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yea, I feel the same way. If someone has to spend a lot to get to the wedding, I think that showing up is a pretty awesome gift in itself.

  20. MakintheBacon

    My gift giving policy fluctuates from time to time for almost all the reasons you mentioned. I’ve had weddings to go to in different financial stages of my life. When I was unemployed and went a friend’s wedding, I gave less than I normally would for a wedding because I was tight on money. She still sent me a thank you note and we are still good friends.

    For my sister’s wedding, I was her maid of honour. Since I had already spent a TON of money on the other events, I gave her a lot less for her wedding gift.

    People need to respect that everyone’s financial situation is different. Sometimes people may have a ton of weddings, showers and birthday to attend in one year, so they would need to spread out their gift giving accordingly.

    Perhaps gift giving should be optional and stated so…but that’ll never happen! Lol.
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    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I think all your examples are very reasonable. I think even if someone said gift giving was optional, I might feel obligated to give if others were giving something. I wish it weren’t that complicated!

  21. Clementine Isabella Sophie Florence Cecelia Marie Grace Emily Charlotte Smythe-Worthington

    I would love to get a gift like that but he whilst angry said and I will quote it
    “I couldn’t care less of what you think about the gift you received, “normal” people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON’T expect me to, I don’t care what you or anybody thinks, you should just be happy your sham of a marriage is legal dude”
    The jab at gay marriage is the thing that angers me

  22. Anita

    I guess, weddings are cheaper in Germany.
    We spend less than 3k Euro incl. robe and suit and everything.
    We had about 50 guests.
    We saved untill we could afford so we didn’t expect anything from our guests but we made a wishlist and got stuff we wanted in a price range from 10 Euro to 50 Euro.
    Some gave us money.
    Usually I give 100 Euro/wedding, 25 Euro for X-Mas or birthday parties.
    Sometimes more.
    Depends.
    Our birthday parties are coffee and cake in our garden or the living room.
    I just don’t like competing in birthday arms race.
    It’s not just a pressure for me but for the other parents, too.

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yea I guess weddings here can be cheaper too but many people opt for the more expensive ones. I think birthday parties which are just coffee and cake in your garden/living room are perfect. No need to be too extravagant. Unfortunately, it does feel like there is a birthday arms race and parents often try to one up the other parents. Recently, one of my son’s schoolmate’s mother rented a “fun bus” for the kids on her son’s birthday.

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