Dealing With Facebook Envy

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I had sworn off checking Facebook updates. Too often, I would find myself wasting a lot of time looking at what other people were doing, rather than playing with my toddler or talking with my wife. Sure, it’s fun to see what people were up to in their lives and it’s addicting scrolling through all the updates, but it really wasn’t productive at all. So I just stopped going on. However, when my second child was born, Facebook was a good place to make an announcement to friends and families rather than individually texting or calling everyone. So I went on to post the announcement, and once again, I found myself on Facebook again, checking out what my Facebook friends were doing. I couldn’t help myself.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Not only is checking Facebook, a huge time-suck, it can make you envious. According to a study, it can also make you depressed. Of course, when you see what others are doing in their lives, it’s natural to compare it to what you’re doing in your own life. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” While I was on Facebook, I saw one friend upload a video of him in his new Tesla driving on autopilot, whereas I was contemplating replacing my Hyundai Sonata, which is closing in on 200,000 miles, with a minivan since we have a growing family. I also saw a Facebook friend go on an extended trip with her family to Southeast Asia, while my family’s most recent trip was to Buffalo New York. We did drive from Buffalo to Toronto so that counts as an international trip…right? And not all of the updates were of people buying a fancy car or traveling to an exotic location. In one update, a friend went to Central America to do volunteer work. What have I done lately to make the world a better place? Maybe donate some money to a charitable organization? Looking at the exciting lives of others left me feeling like I was missing out and not living my life to its fullest potential.

In a post I wrote a few years ago, I listed a few ways to combat financial envy . I wrote that many times people who post about nice cars, trips and houses are in a lot of debt so there is no need to be envious. However, I can say with pretty good certainty that some of my friends are just financially well off and can afford these luxuries. They were not living above their means. I also wrote that you should remind yourself of your goals. Sure, riding in a Tesla on autopilot sounds cool but it’s not like it’s something I’ve been dreaming about. The other tips included using the envy to motivate you, to indulge once in awhile, and to be grateful for the good things in your life. Also, most people only post the exciting and cool things going on in their lives, so it’s not a great perspective how their lives are truly led. I quickly stopped looking at my Facebook feed to avoid feeling miserable myself. While I am grateful for all the good in my life, it was difficult to stop myself from feeling down when I compared myself to others who were apparently living awesome lives.

As it turns out, social comparison is an innate human tendency and in a book written by Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer entitled, Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both, they say that whether social comparison is the wisest move or not, it’s a big part of the way we determine our own level of happiness.

They recounted a study by Emory University scientist Frans de Waal, who trained capuchin monkeys to use stones as a kind of currency, exchanging stones for cucumber slices. The monkeys were happy with exchanging stones for cucumbers, but when de Waal started giving some of the monkeys sweet and juicy grapes instead of cucumbers, the ones who only received cucumbers went “apeshit.” The monkeys who only received the cucumbers thought they were getting a raw deal and would throw the cucumbers back in experimenter’s face. They were perfectly happy with cucumbers until they saw their peers receive something even better.

For an example in the human world, the book recounts the story of a man who dutifully climbed the corporate ladder at his company for decades, steadily earning incremental raises, and was content with his job. However, when a recent college grad was hired and immediately began earning almost the same exact same as he did, he became infuriated and he left the company where he’d happily worked.

So what do Galinsky and Schweitzer suggest you do to combat the human tendency to compare ourselves with others?

They suggest that you should seek favorable comparisons if you want to feel happier, and seek unfavorable comparisons if you want to push yourself harder. They wrote that people tend to perform better when their rivals are present, as compared to their performance against random strangers. So using envy or jealousy to motivate you to achieve what it is that others achieved that made you envious can be good. However, constantly doing this can also make you miserable. They used an example in their book about a psychological study on Olympic medalists to explain how seeking a favorable comparison can make you feel happier. According to the study, silver medalists tend to be miserable because they’re comparing themselves to the gold medalists; whereas the bronze medalists are often happier, because they’re comparing themselves to those who didn’t get a medal. So even though the silver medalist beat out the bronze medalist, the bronze medalist is often happier about the results.

Do you tend to compare yourself to others? How do you deal with envy and jealousy? Have you sworn off social media to prevent yourself from becoming envious?

34 thoughts on “Dealing With Facebook Envy

  1. Financial Samurai

    It’s definitely natural to compare, but you got to figure out within what makes you happy because it is never ending how much money you can make and how much stuff you can buy.

    Everybody’s always on vacation when posting on Facebook so it is an altered reality. I Make a conscious decision to keep things low key on mine because I realize a lot of people have the same freedom and opportunity. That’s not respectful to them to brag.

    Sam

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yea, you’re definitely right. You just have to focus on what makes you happy. But I also get a little envious of those who are FIRE! I feel like financial freedom would make me happy but I haven’t reached that status yet. =)

  2. Lila

    On my personal Facebook page I currently share nature photos from hikes and road trips, artwork, inspirational quotes, and goals for my blogs. I avoid sharing what I bought, what my house looks like, etc. No one needs to know.

    What happened to the days of yore when people kept what they purchased private and there was a mystery about people…
    Lila recently posted…10 Side Hustle IdeasMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      That’s good. Otherwise it just seems like bragging. People just overshare nowadays.

  3. DC @ Young Adult Money

    I deal with this all the time. I feel like I’m a pretty motivated individual, so I’m always thinking “I should be further along at ______!” This past year, and really the past six months, I’ve been very intentional about putting my head down and sticking to a plan – my plan – for what I want to accomplish. It helps me not worry about others or at least minimizes envy. It does help being busy and having a few irons in the fire, though, because the upside can keep you focused on your own present and future and not on others.
    DC @ Young Adult Money recently posted…7 Financial Moves to Make Before the End of the YearMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yes, I think having a few irons in the fire does keep you busy and it gives you some optimism that your future will be bright.

  4. Tonya@Budget and the Beach

    Oh I think everyone succumbs to this every once in awhile. I do to. I think if I’m feeling strong and confident, it doesn’t bother me as much, but if I’m having a bad week or feel…frumpy or something, seeing a friend look gorgeous in a bikini on some tropical destination with her incredibly good looking rich boyfriend does nothing to help me, so then I know it’s time to stay off social media for awhile until I’m back in a good place. I’d like to say I can rise above it all, but admittedly I can’t. So I’m just going to do what I’m going to do to keep myself mentally healthy. Plus, Teddy Roosevelt didn’t have to deal with FB or instagram!
    Tonya@Budget and the Beach recently posted…Wherever You Go, There You AreMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Yep, I guess Facebook envy is pretty common. It can be tough to rise above it all…so I’m better off not checking all too often. And yea, no FB or instagram in Teddy Roosevelt’s day. You’d have to get updates from friends via pony express or telegraph right?

  5. Biglaw Investor

    I don’t use Facebook for this very reason. When I catch up with people they’re often surprised I don’t know what’s going on their lives – “Didn’t you see my photos from China on Facebook??” “Why no, I didn’t. Why don’t you tell me about the trip now?” And then we talk about it!

    Here’s a great Google Chrome plugin that replaces your Facebook News Feed with an inspirational quote. If you mindlessly log into Facebook, there won’t be any news to read, so you’ll quickly move on:

    https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/news-feed-eradicator-for/fjcldmjmjhkklehbacihaiopjklihlgg
    Biglaw Investor recently posted…How to Use Pre-Tax Commuter Dollars on Uber RidesMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Why talk to people about what’s going on in their lives when you can just check their FB feed! =) Sometimes social media makes us less social. Interesting plugin…why not just delete the Facebook app though?

  6. EL @ moneywatch101

    Yeah I don’t check facebook often as it has turned sour with videos I don’t really find value and sponsored content all the time. I like reading updates by some people and could care less about comparing. Im a realist and if some friends want to lease a lexus to feel better, more power to them, that’s not for me. I get a bit of semi-envy when bloggers reaches FI, but it motivates me as well. So I like reading those stories.
    EL @ moneywatch101 recently posted…Personal Finance Myths We Need to IgnoreMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I’m with you on that too. I’ve been pretty addicted about FI…and yea, I get some envy too. While it motivates me, it does feel like a long journey.

  7. Syed

    Scrolling through the Facebook feed is definitely addicting. Studies show we get a little shot of dopamine each time we find out something new. And comparing your lives to others is a whole other issue. It’s like comparing someone’s highlight show with your blooper reel. Everyone has their ups and downs, and people tend not to post about their downs.

    Find what makes you happy and what you’re passionate about and focus on that.
    Syed recently posted…Investing Lessons Learned from Fantasy FootballMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Interesting, I guess that’s why it’s so addicting. And great point about comparing highlights to blooper reel…very true.

  8. Erin @ Journey to Saving

    I try to stay off of social media for this reason, but I do have to check in for work at times and get sucked in. (I really just need to install kill Facebook feed.) Like others have said, I try to remember that most people just post the highlights on Facebook – that’s not what their life looks like 24/7. I also remind myself that I don’t have much of a reason to be jealous as I’m fairly happy with my life. Third, I recognize that my values and their values are likely different. I could be traveling right now, but I choose not to because I have too many things going on at home that I don’t want to miss out on. And while I like fancy cars, I’m not going to sink money into one.

    I personally don’t get very motivated from jealousy because intrinsic motivation works better for me, so I more or less try and take everything on social media with a grain of salt, be happy for the person, and move on.
    Erin @ Journey to Saving recently posted…Don’t Make the Same Networking Mistake I DidMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Right, that’s what I have to remind myself also. I’ve got a lot of good things going on in my life…I should focus on that instead. And good point about intrinsic motivation working better for some. I think motivation based on jealousy and envy is generally short-lived whereas intrinsic motivation stays with you much longer.

  9. Mrs Groovy

    I’ve backed off Facebook quite a bit. None of it is real to me because people only show what they want you to know. I find it hard to get envious because most posters are derailing their own joy to stop what they’re doing to take photos. So they can post them and be seen. What kind of joy is that? And your friend with the Tesla probably has much more debt than you.
    Mrs Groovy recently posted…Going Down the ACA and COBRA Insurance Rabbit HoleMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      It’s as if you don’t take a picture and post it on social media…it didn’t happen. Why can’t we just enjoy the moment for ourselves?

  10. Laurie @thefrugalfarmer

    I don’t have a personal FB account and this is part of the reason why. We used to be really horrible about comparing our success to others’ successes’ but something changed when we moved out to the country and now we base our success on our dreams and goals. It’s such a relief not to care anymore. Not that we don’t sometimes still get a smidgen of envy, but it’s pretty few and far in between, and I think staying off FB helps. 🙂 And I think your trip to Toronto definitely qualifies as international travel. 😉
    Laurie @thefrugalfarmer recently posted…A Motivational Story for Getting Your Financial Sh*t TogetherMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      I can see moving away to the country being a big help. I live in NYC and I’m sure if I worked in Manhattan surrounded by expensive cars, luxurious condos and other things of that nature, it can be a lot tougher. I work out in the suburbs in a government job and my co-workers pack their luck.

  11. Amanda @ centsiblyrich

    I don’t use my FB personal account at all, but do get on there once a day for blogging purposes. I don’t even allow myself to look at the feed on my personal page.

    It’s definitely natural to feel envy and jealousy sometimes. And, as you note, it can be used to your advantage, but there is a fine line between motivation and misery. When I find myself comparing too much to others, I take a step back and look at my own progress compared to 6 months ago and just continue to strive to do better tomorrow than I did today.
    Amanda @ centsiblyrich recently posted…Do you know what you need to accomplish your dreams? Start with whyMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Great advice to strive to do better tomorrow then you did today. Progress is always a good thing.

  12. Done by Forty

    That silver/bronze example is crazy. It’s like we’re forced to choose between higher achievement and contentment (unless you assume you can always get the gold, and then I guess you get both).

    FWIW, we do seem to make more than the people in our immediate neighborhood, at least on average. I suppose this makes me feel better, except that they have fancier cars and home updates…so in terms of visible comparisons, we’re on the losing end of it.

    I love the post but I’m not exactly sure which path is better to walk down. Both are good.

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Lucky for us, we don’t put as much stock in the “visible comparisons.”

  13. Mustard Seed Money

    I think it’s human nature to compare against others. I personally don’t spend a lot of time on facebook but I definitely have twitter envy which is just as bad. At times I compare my writing to others, how witty they are compared to me and the insight that they bring to the table.

    Recognizing these tendencies I find myself spending less time on these social media platforms trying to ensure that I don’t compare myself to others since I know it will only decrease my creative process as I dwell on what I’m not instead of what I truly am.
    Mustard Seed Money recently posted…The Dream: House with a PoolMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Funny you say that…I’ve felt envious of other’s writing as well. But hey, the more you write, the more it’ll improve right?

  14. Fervent Finance

    I got rid of my Facebook over 6 months ago and haven’t looked back since. Also moving out to the Midwest away from Manhattan has proven to help as well. People out here don’t make as much and therefore aren’t being too flashy (for the most part).
    Fervent Finance recently posted…Upping the Emergency FundMy Profile

    1. livingrichcheaply@gmail.com Post author

      Oh yea, I can definitely see how moving away from Manhattan can help.

  15. Liz

    I still log into my Facebook account when it’s important or during my unproductive time like while on the bus or train. I never let myself get envy or compare myself with others. It’s a big NO NO because I consider it as a waste of energy and it doesn’t help me at all, so I just tend to focus on myself making sure that I am always doing my 100% best or doing better the next time around.
    Liz recently posted…Start Holiday Planning NOW And Save MoneyMy Profile

  16. Joe

    I rarely check my Facebook account. I only check when I post new pictures and that’s only a few times per year. Everyone is having way too much fun on FB because they are just posting the highlights. Nobody post a picture of themselves sitting in front of the laptop. You can’t compare highlights to real life. Good move.

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