Tag Archives: jealousy

Dealing With Facebook Envy

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I had sworn off checking Facebook updates. Too often, I would find myself wasting a lot of time looking at what other people were doing, rather than playing with my toddler or talking with my wife. Sure, it’s fun to see what people were up to in their lives and it’s addicting scrolling through all the updates, but it really wasn’t productive at all. So I just stopped going on. However, when my second child was born, Facebook was a good place to make an announcement to friends and families rather than individually texting or calling everyone. So I went on to post the announcement, and once again, I found myself on Facebook again, checking out what my Facebook friends were doing. I couldn’t help myself.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Not only is checking Facebook, a huge time-suck, it can make you envious. According to a study, it can also make you depressed. Of course, when you see what others are doing in their lives, it’s natural to compare it to what you’re doing in your own life. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” While I was on Facebook, I saw one friend upload a video of him in his new Tesla driving on autopilot, whereas I was contemplating replacing my Hyundai Sonata, which is closing in on 200,000 miles, with a minivan since we have a growing family. I also saw a Facebook friend go on an extended trip with her family to Southeast Asia, while my family’s most recent trip was to Buffalo New York. We did drive from Buffalo to Toronto so that counts as an international trip…right? And not all of the updates were of people buying a fancy car or traveling to an exotic location. In one update, a friend went to Central America to do volunteer work. What have I done lately to make the world a better place? Maybe donate some money to a charitable organization? Looking at the exciting lives of others left me feeling like I was missing out and not living my life to its fullest potential.

In a post I wrote a few years ago, I listed a few ways to combat financial envy . I wrote that many times people who post about nice cars, trips and houses are in a lot of debt so there is no need to be envious. However, I can say with pretty good certainty that some of my friends are just financially well off and can afford these luxuries. They were not living above their means. I also wrote that you should remind yourself of your goals. Sure, riding in a Tesla on autopilot sounds cool but it’s not like it’s something I’ve been dreaming about. The other tips included using the envy to motivate you, to indulge once in awhile, and to be grateful for the good things in your life. Also, most people only post the exciting and cool things going on in their lives, so it’s not a great perspective how their lives are truly led. I quickly stopped looking at my Facebook feed to avoid feeling miserable myself. While I am grateful for all the good in my life, it was difficult to stop myself from feeling down when I compared myself to others who were apparently living awesome lives.

As it turns out, social comparison is an innate human tendency and in a book written by Adam Galinsky and Maurice Schweitzer entitled, Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both, they say that whether social comparison is the wisest move or not, it’s a big part of the way we determine our own level of happiness.

They recounted a study by Emory University scientist Frans de Waal, who trained capuchin monkeys to use stones as a kind of currency, exchanging stones for cucumber slices. The monkeys were happy with exchanging stones for cucumbers, but when de Waal started giving some of the monkeys sweet and juicy grapes instead of cucumbers, the ones who only received cucumbers went “apeshit.” The monkeys who only received the cucumbers thought they were getting a raw deal and would throw the cucumbers back in experimenter’s face. They were perfectly happy with cucumbers until they saw their peers receive something even better.

For an example in the human world, the book recounts the story of a man who dutifully climbed the corporate ladder at his company for decades, steadily earning incremental raises, and was content with his job. However, when a recent college grad was hired and immediately began earning almost the same exact same as he did, he became infuriated and he left the company where he’d happily worked.

So what do Galinsky and Schweitzer suggest you do to combat the human tendency to compare ourselves with others?

They suggest that you should seek favorable comparisons if you want to feel happier, and seek unfavorable comparisons if you want to push yourself harder. They wrote that people tend to perform better when their rivals are present, as compared to their performance against random strangers. So using envy or jealousy to motivate you to achieve what it is that others achieved that made you envious can be good. However, constantly doing this can also make you miserable. They used an example in their book about a psychological study on Olympic medalists to explain how seeking a favorable comparison can make you feel happier. According to the study, silver medalists tend to be miserable because they’re comparing themselves to the gold medalists; whereas the bronze medalists are often happier, because they’re comparing themselves to those who didn’t get a medal. So even though the silver medalist beat out the bronze medalist, the bronze medalist is often happier about the results.

Do you tend to compare yourself to others? How do you deal with envy and jealousy? Have you sworn off social media to prevent yourself from becoming envious?