Multigenerational households with kids, parents and grandparents all in one home is not something common here in the U.S., though the numbers are increasing. One of the main reasons for this upwards trend is due to the lingering effects of the 2008 recession. It started to be the norm for recent college grads saddled with student loan debt to go back home to live with mom and dad. Financial reasons are generally the main reason for this type of living arrangement, although for many cultures, this is the norm. Will more and more people start living in multigenerational households in the future?

I lived in a multigenerational household growing up. It is the norm for an Asian-immigrant family to live this way. My family lived in the house with my paternal grandparents, my uncle, aunt and two cousins. It was a two-family home, so there was sufficient room and a clear boundary. I would say that I had a positive experience growing up in a multigenerational household. There were more people to play with as my cousins lived in the same house, and there was always an adult in the house to watch over us and keep us out of trouble (I’m not sure I always liked that part though!). Other than the benefits of having close family members around to spend time with and to help out, it’s obvious that there are financial benefits to communal living.

Many social scientists seem to believe that the nuclear family-centered living arrangements which is most common in the U.S can be isolating, as many other cultures around the world live close to or with their extended family. It wasn’t always like this, as 25% of families in the U.S lived in multigenerational households back in 1940. No surprise, this was during the time of the Great Depression. The numbers of multigenerational households started to drop when the country started to experience economic prosperity.

So why isn’t multigenerational households more common? While there are many benefits of living together, the pitfalls are pretty obvious. Most people are fiercely independent, and want to forge their own path in life. Having your own place to live symbolizes independence. With the student loan crisis, many college grads have gone home to live with their parents, but living in a multigenerational house can be a little more complicated. Whereas college grads aren’t far removed with living under the thumbs of their parents, it is different when you add a spouse and your own children. Another common conflict that may arise is how to split the bills and house chores.

I lived with my parents after college, however I did pay close to market rent. Due to the financial circumstances at the time, it wasn’t really possible to live rent-free like some college grads. Plus, I think paying rent did teach me responsibility. (I did get free home-cooked meals so I can’t really complain). When I got married, my wife and I lived in the same house as my parents. We paid below market rent, which helped us to save some money. Plus, I had just finished law school and we weren’t financially ready to buy a place of our own. Renting was not an option at the time, because it was ingrained in our heads that renting would be flushing money down the drain. Once again, it is a 2-family house so there is a natural separation and we did have our own space. However, to make a long story short, this living arrangement can be best described by referencing the T.V sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Of course, the characters in the show are just T.V. caricatures which exaggerates (sometimes) the human condition. It’s art imitating life. While the Barones did not live in a multigenerational household (they live across the street from each other), they might as well have been. There is the mother/mother-in-law, Marie, who is very loving and wants the best for kids and extended family, but can be overbearing, intrusive, and who knowingly or unknowingly criticizes Debra, her daughter-in-law. Debra can be sometimes a little sensitive, but is understandably frustrated with the criticism and intrusiveness of Marie. Ray prefers to avoid conflict and would rather go golfing. Back to my life: We moved out of my parents’ house about a year later and rented an apartment. There weren’t any big disputes or big conflicts, but for the sake of my sanity and my marriage, I think it was a wise move.

Based on the research of Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University, 60% of women felt that friction with her mother-in-law caused them long-term stress, compared to 15% of men complaining of his mother-in-law. She says that, “the conflict often arises from an assumption that each is criticizing or undermining the other woman.” An Italian study done by the National Statistics Institute, found that the odds that a marriage will last increase with every hundred yards that couples put between themselves and their in-laws. Italian courts found this evidence so compelling that they have ruled that a wife has the right to a legal separation if her husband is not effective in preventing his mother from “invading” their home, Apter says. Furthermore, a Japanese study published in 2008 in the journal Heart found that women living in multigenerational households were two to three times more likely to experience coronary heart disease than women living with just a spouse. However, the result was not solely due to the conflict with the mother-in-law, but also because of the stress of maintaining the household while working outside of the home. The main conflicts between the two women appear to pertain to child rearing and housework. Even though we are in the 21st century, when an issue regarding child rearing and housework comes up, we still often look towards the woman.

There is an old adage that says that good fences make good neighbors. It is not impossible for everyone to get along in a multigenerational household. It really depends on the family members. It does not have to be a physical fence that separates good neighbors. As long as the members of the household respect each other’s privacy and decisions and know the boundaries, it can work.

Has anyone else lived in a multigenerational household? Would you live in one?

Related article:
Check out 4 Strategies to Make Multi-Generation Living Work on Tie Your Knot Money